Grateful

I've have been reading about some documentaries regarding burn patient, such as Katie piper, Saline, and patient who is suffering from burn or acid burn attack.

It makes me wonder how blessed i am that God give me a healthy body, a great life, a wonderful soul. I understand that looks is just a small gift from God's hand, when come and think of other matter such as a great Family, and great life.

Who am i compare to the burn patient, i'm not strong as them to face their life, i'm no match for them when facing my fear,my pain,my tears. Thats why i'm so grateful to what i have now,i learn not to complain or hate things around me. From what i see and read, all these burn patient really give me an inspiration of gratefulness, and courage to live a better life. Not from fame, money or even for better beauty, but live a life with fullness, grateful, forgiveness, love, and care and faith.

In my heart, i pray for the people that have no family, no life, no face as like a burn patient. I pray that they will raise up to face their fear, i pray that God will lay his mighty hand on them, with blessing, with love, with cure.

In the coming years to come,
I pray that there is no war, but with peace.
I pray that there is no disaster, but with strong land holding us.
I pray that there is no killing, but live with love and forgiveness.
I pray that the earth is not destroy, and to redeem our nature.
I pray that God's blessing, will bless us to learn to love and be grateful.

Thank you.

A new year to come..

A year has past, and another year is coming...
For the past one year, it was great, even there is time of down, but most of it good times and memory.
I believe today is really a tough day for year 2010, it was my last practical exam called "OSCE"...it was no that easy for me,compare with others in my class...really losing my mind, as this is my first time getting such low marks for a station i believe, i done some thing wrong, that i cant really get off my mind, is keeping recalling recalling in my brain cells..i'm stress up with it when i see most of my friends is confident with it.

Well all done is been done, now i only can wait for my results, to see how i "well" i score my exam results....God bless me ..

Insultation...

When Jesus was been arested, people torn His skin with weapons, put on a torn crown on His head, alot of torture take place. But one i could never forget was that how people insulted Him..is was much more painfull when people around you insulted u, the feeling of an really unwanted pain.

In life,we always had to face alot of people , who tends to pull u down from triying to do you best. They often insult you, put you under a situation that you cannat baered with it. There is a feeling of anger and weakness inside you when you been insultation, a unpleasent feeling. A feeling of unsecureness, tragic, that you will always keep in mind forever.

If i ask today, who of us never been scold, insulted infront by people, it may be a lie. Is not easy to forget what we have been,but when you been insulted please remember that Jesus been insulted 100 times more than you do. Kept that in mind...

Ups and downs..

Just finish writing an explanation letter to a clinical instructor that insulted me...

It was a bad day to me on 30 august 2010, morning work, and been posted to follow a very moody clinical instructor that vent her bad mood on us that day. It was the worse day of posting ever. I been scold, insult, cry infront of my junior cause i felt i'm not able to accept all this insultation. It was wrong for her to do that, but i was just a student. She told us that is what nursing is, but i would like to tell her it is evil, nursing student don't deserve insultation, they deserve knowledge,care, good teaching in order for them to learn. Well should we admit that she's a bad and worse guidence to us, Yes.

I admit im a weak person inside, maybe outside it seem strong and brave,but im still human. I felt weak that day, feeling like giving up what i always wanted to be, but i stood on my knees and i take in all the heat that is on me. God sent me here for a purpose, i want to be here to serve him, but im too weak, too afraid to seek his face. I wanted to be strong like Him, but inside of me God put in a pure and soft heart. I was never strong, but i was not always weak. I done my part for God, it was not perfect but i done my best, God see it as is good. But i know in my heart it is not enough, i wanted to do more, but i stood there running to reach nothing in life. Im still in the same point of life when others run so far a head of me. i started to douth myself, douth why im here, at this position where everything come so worse on me by facing her. I cry, i hate her, but i coulden't do anything. I wanted to seek God's face,but my body hides my soul from reaching Him. He was there, looking , observing, waiting..

God give my life ups and down, i take it all in, i accept it as i can..but i really tired to continue to be what i am..God bless me..and my family.

What is love..

Love...

When we first met,you have your eyes on me,in your heart i was special,i was someone that makes your heart beat faster,leads your mind in east. You control your breathing,and your take a deep breath to refresh your mind. For the first sight is was perfect, i was perfect. When you return home, your mind your heart was all around me, you wanted to see me again, you know that is was love. You lay down on your bed that night thinking of me, what am i doing,will i be in the same place tomorrow when you reach the same point you meet me today. Your heart wish to meet me again, the same place,the same girl. As the clock tike every second, and your eyes close as your body grow tired, tired and you went into your dreams where there is my image in it..love..

The very morning you open your eyes,take your morning bath,and had your first meal in the morning. With full preparation your walk on the road and your mind reminded your of a image that your been repeating it in your mind. It was the image of me,the girl who taken your sight,your perfect sight. With beating heart, with sweating hands your run faster as usual to reach your destination, our meeting point. When you almost reach, from far away you seem my shadow, as fast as your can run,you wish you could fly so that you can see clearly my smile. When you stop infront of me, i look at the boy infront of me with sweating face,i give your a friendly smile. It was a smile that melts your heart, it was sweet, the sweetest gift your had ever have. You stunted there for 15mins, without speaking, until your watch my shadow leave your far away by going on to my work place, you wanted to breath, but you seem to forgot to. 1,2,15 mins your realize i already leave your behind, then you wake up from your day dream. To me, you were cute, i admit you look funny that day.

Day by day, you came and go hoping to see my face. You pass by my work place,and slow down your steps wish to see me. When i realize you were outside, i will show you a friendly smile, and you felt it was a blessing to see your angel God had shown you. I felt you nervious when you decide to spoke to me, you put on a big smile and greet me with shaking hands. When i responded, you seem relieve, there was happiness in you eyes. From that day onwards, you will step in to the cafe everyday that i was working just to speak to me. Everytime we spoke, our heart grow more and more near togather. I konw you was up to something, it was me you hoping to hold on.

On a very fine day, as usual you step into the cafe, but you look extra nervious. You make you order, with trumbling words, i sense that there was something different in you, but i kept quite. When i pest you food on your table you open you words, " I would like to date with you?". I stop my hand, and look at you for a second, then i reply "im working, sorry.". You were disappointed, but you put on a smile in you face, " ok". With disappointment, you leave the cafe, the day was full with disappointment, but you take it all in. The next day, you did't not come to the cafe as usual, days, weeks..i suddenly felt wired when there was no you in the cafe. There was a sense of sadness in me, could it be because i miss you...

After a few weeks of missing in action, you show up infront of the cafe on a ranning morning. Standing outside of the cafe, there was the image that i miss so much. With a breath, you hand over your hand phone,saying "may i have you number?". Again i stop for a second, then i smile and reply " Yes". The happiness in you was so great until you shout out "YES". And there it is with a smile and a great hope, you wnet home, and text out the first msg to me. It was not easy, but it was a start. You waited me to reply, and you pray with faith that i will reply. In 3mins time, your phone ring, and there it was our starting point.

Msg sent in and out everyday, until i realize there was something in you that is making me felt diffent, i know in my heart it was love. I believe you sense my feeling too. Then you texted me one day, saying that "can i have a chance to hold you hand, and make you my girl friend...". There was no reply, but there was dicisions..your phone ring and it was "maybe, you should tell me in person, i already had my decision, just that i need to tell it to you front." With a nervious hreat i reply you, i don't know what future is instald in us, but i willing to give it a try, i believe in my heart.

The next morning, you came very early, standing infront of me you seem more hard to breath. You look into my eyes, and said "May i know your anwser". i could not open my mouth, because my face was all red like a tomato, and i knot. You were relieve, and you look at me with teary eyes, you were too happy to say anything anymore. Both of us stunted, it was a start..with faith we held on to each other.. to love.

It was not long after we have our first date, you were quite for the first day. We walk in the mall,slowly and i was trying to make you to start talk with me. Suddenly, you hold my hand and turn you face away bacause you were to nervious to look at me. In a second, both of us turn into two big tomato face, our body tempreture connected to each other, it was love heat. I remove my hand from yours when i realize our heat has reach a boiling point. You try to hold my hand again, but this time you held out your hand slowly and hold my hand, i hold it tight back too this time. It was a "hot" date indeed.

Date per date we hold our hands,it was shaky there first few times, lots of tomatos was form. Happiness hits our every date to a hot boiling point. But today, this date was different, as usual you sent me to take the bus for home, you held my hands infront of me and kiss my forehead gently. It was beutiful..love..

Time run so fast ahead of us,our love grow stronger and greater every second of our time, we share happiness, we also share sadness, disappointments. I still remember that day it was our usual date, the first time you hug me , and place you lips to mine,it was not a acception,but i take it because it was you..is for our love.

One day, a letter was mail to my address, was a offer letter to further my studies "nursing". I was not happy, nor grateful because my new destination was 1,000,000 step away from home, from you. I make a called to you, and with a deep voice i told you the "good" news. You didn't sound suprise,maybe you already know what was i aiming in my life. I put down the phone, and look at the offer letter and tears run down my cheek,so warm that i could feel it run down my face. It was not what i hoping for when i already have you. It was another date with you tomorrow, but i seem to be afraid to attend, i was scare.

The next morning, it was a rainny day, it shares the same feeling that i was having. Infront of you i try to hide it, the fear of livng far away appart from you. You know what was on my mind, you try to avoid it, but what has to come it has to come. I open our worries, " i always wanted to be nurse, this is my plan, but now there is you, there is a connection with you, i don't want to attend this, if you just say you want me to stay." Without replying, you shown you smile, and said " if you wanted to give up your dream for me, you will regret for your life, i will not want you to stay behind with me, i want you to run forward to reach you goal. Takes this as a tast for us, for our love..don't worry, i believe distence will not block our love for each others, have faith in me, and to yourself." The rain sounded very loud when we both kept silence, stronger until we can hear the rain drops drop in the land...

In a months time, i already pack my begs and prepare my heart to face my new "ocupation" in life. You were supportive, but i was always with douth, but you were there to comfort me. You held on my hand and promise that no matter what, in his hreat he had taken me as him forever love, no one can change my position in his hreat, it is true and pure. With a haevy hreat, i take my ride to this new future, it was not easy at frist, alot of tears and cry was around me, but i take it all in because when there was tears you would wipe it off with you hand, and reduce the pain with you love. We were apart for more than a year, things was just maintain itself, bacause you told me to have faith in you.

But when there was a distence love do reduce,we started with everyday msg until weekly msg, there was a different feeling when i receive your msg, there was no more hear but a sense of "ice cold" feeling. You started to open new line of life that does not involved me, there was no more sweetness, nor comfort in you to me. You were different when we talk on the phone, conversation was shorter and more quiteness between us, until you close down the gate for me to enter you hreat. I tried to ask you, but you denied everytime when i confest to you my feeling in you. Douth was filling my mind again,more and more until i felt tired to continue anymore..so tired i don't want to held on my phone to read you "ice-cole" msg. There was no love...but there was more strangers in you to me.. there it is love...gone..

The sense of Key broad...

Is been few months since i had my hand on a key broad..i really miss it, the snese of the key broad is on my hands when i touch a flat area..my hands starts to play around with it..is its me, o i really miss the muzic in my ears...

when can i c "You" again..i really need "You"..

Black....

Is been a long time since i write anything here...things are just going around in my life so fast and i unable to catch it. Sometimes i wish that i could stop and redo some of my mistake.Repeat, rewrite,redo,rethink,replay....can i?

if i can the 1st thing i wish to do is to retake my life from the age of 5years old.Where things are still fresh, new in my life.So that i may changed it to the way i like...maybe change who i am then,so i would not be what i am nw. I could kept my mind at the top point so that i can do the right thing,plan the right way,walk the true steps. But all this is just "maybe"... If i knw by than what im i facing in the future, i would do my best to build my basic knowledge when i was young. If I would fix my toughts when i can to do what is right and good for me. But as i say is still "if"...

Things just gone off of hand this few months, im heart is so dark...so blur... i don't know what God would plan for me next...i could only wish and pray...

My head are full of worries, and problems... when, how , why , where should i go...

I don't know ...

I head of this that "don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there". Yes God is there before all of us...i just hope that God can lead me to the right path im going to do next...i want to do better than i was before...i need to think and write and plan my way that God has given to me. I hope im doing the right things that God wants me to do...i better get it right..

I'm right!

Hey, had tired week this week...

Was posted to a surgical ward,sponging alot(1 to 1 sponging), i alone done 4 spong...swt...broke record...><"..

Done 1 off drain that i reli comfident with, bt de CI say i was not sure wat im doing...swt!!

But im knw im right,2day going to talk with her,not for the stupid cross but i wan to knw wat im "blur" about in the procedure. Why la there is no chinese CI in the hospital...

Wat i learn in this week is alwaz get ur right when u knw ppl misundrstand u!

Im alwaz i diam diam gal in everyway, bt i knw 1 thing in my heart, i will nvr been bully by some ppl that think im "blur".. jus wan to tell them helo im a 3 pointer ok!

Nvr kept diam diam when things come over u..do ur rights n fight back! Remember!

stress....stress...stress....!!!!!!!

Fell so weak this few weeks,trying to lay down all things just to relax my mind..

Posting has already started for 3weeks...time jus flow like that,none stop!!! Really didn't realize that, i keep on repeating the same thing day by day...no changes,maybe i already used to it. Morning wake up brush teeth, iron my uniform, tidy up my room, sweap floor, wash cloths, open my laptop n watch movie then around 11am start to bath n wear de uniform go down to then waiting area to wait for de bus, reach de hospital at 12.30pm, take my lunch then go to de ward that i posted, start taking report at 2pm, start work at 3pm then work work work...repeatation...

Saturday youth,sunday church..same same same...i suddenly wonder do i have anything more to do...><"...

Tired...

Have you ever feel empty in you that you don't knw how to express...
Have you ever feel disappointed with someone that you care most...
Have you ever feel tired when you care so much for a person but they did not care...

Today i felt so tired..tired of myself, i have been giving so much to someone i care so deeply, but he just seem to don't realize it. What else i can do to let him understand, i'm just so tired...i'm tired of keep on giving and he has no responses.

He always said that i'm his princess, he love me so much that he can take in all my temper my anger on to him...yes he do..but human is just always wanted more...what i want is not just a sence of care..

We always plan our life that one day we will marry and get alot of kids...but he never start to do it...
he didn't save his money, to him getting a new hand phone is more important than our future..

I really tired, really disappointed...how long more i have to wait for him to become a grown up...WHEN....

I just don't want to take his calls..don't want to read his msgs...don't want to hear his voice...don't want him to sing bed time songs to me...